Peace at pace

About running, balance and family

There are a few things that bring me peace like no other. Running is one of them, and probably the main one. I was reminded of this very much on Sunday.

And although I know this fact very well, for some reason, from time to time, I get in my own way, only to be reminded once again when I’m out and in the middle of it.

This year, for the first time since running became an intrinsic part of my life, I have gone weeks at a time without doing it. My runs have been very spaced out from each other, because that’s what babies do when they arrive, they change your life and your training schedule 🙂

The thing is, I know very well that a run simply makes things better for me. It doesn't matter how long or short it is; it's always good.

Now, despite my love for it, and all the marvelousness around it, from time to time I feel like not going out, questioning all the things I have to do, asking myself if it is the best use of my time, and on many occasions, simply not wanting to. Add to all these new-parent life, and suddenly I have a cocktail of challenges, responsibilities, and excuses, in equal measure, turning what used to be a frequent activity into continuous aspiration.

However, this Sunday was different. There was a chance. An opportunity. A possibility. Mum and baby were going out and about. That possibility became a reality waiting to happen.

Obviously, procrastination was immediately looming. It came knocking at my door in the form of just not doing anything and enjoying the solo time, but also disguised as duties and to-dos that "I could calmly and quietly sit down and knock out my list for the next two hours". Despite all that temptation, I said NO.

...Not without about an hour of internal battle, of course.

One after the other

Once the battle was over and the enemy defeated, a 5k was what I had in mind for the day. Mainly because, well, let’s be realistic with myself and not be a hero on my first run back in a while, and also, that's as far as I could go with the time that I had left at this point of the day, having to come back to get ready and be somewhere else at a set time.

So it began.

It was a good day. The sun was out. Everything was in the right place, and when that happens, everything goes immediately quiet. It was smooth. In the zone, quickly.

Getting in the zone is a weird but fascinating feeling, hard to describe, but if you have experienced it, you understand. You’re seeing but you’re not paying attention. I’m just looking up front, and everything else is there but blurred. Although I’m listening to music, everything is quiet. It’s like having noise cancelling headphones inside your head. The music is there, but I feel it almost on the outside.

After that, it’s just about breathing and my feet on the pavement, one step after the other. I can hear those steps in my mind right now as I write this, one after the other.

Runs like this are not about how fast you go, but about consistency. One step after the other at the same pace, and everything else goes quiet, disappears, but it’s there. Then I do a loop, and all I can think is I’m going to do another loop, just to preserve this peace. That’s all it is. That moment of quietness and peace.

Balance

As much as running is what brings me into balance, it's also what shows me if my life has it.

I know that things are out of place when, even during a run, noise reigns in my head, thoughts come and go, quiet is not present, and focus is what you seek but can’t attain no matter how much you try. It’s a reflection of my life at that moment.

When my runs are in balance, my life is in balance, and vice versa; and going out, getting those quiet moments, helps me bring that into my life when it has been noisy and messy because there’s too much going on. Running is all those things, shows all those things, reflects all those things.

And that's where I am right now. Although I want to do so many things, and I worry about the future, I want to do more, I want to bring more money to the house, to the family, be more comfortable, have a bigger house, all that. Despite all that, we’re good. We’re fine, we’re in a great spot, we’re happy, we have a healthy baby, everything is in the right place. The Sunday run was a reflection of that.

It’s just the three of us being happy, being grateful, being so full of love for our baby and for each other, for this household and for this life. That’s how I feel right now. So full. Bigger than my body. And that’s what the run was about.

As the great poet known as Xavier Collins, very articulate, once said:

"and sometimes, Annie, I swear it feels like your heart will fuckin’ explode".

I came home and I was present. I showered and I was present, and that was it.

One thing I keep forgetting, and have to keep reminding myself: it doesn’t matter how much friction I put on myself, the run is always going to be a good thing. If I have noise, it’s going to help me balance. If I have to think, it’s going to help me think. If I have an idea and I’m blocked, it’s going to help me unlock it. It’s a feeling. I can’t put it into words, but it clears everything out.

But sometimes, everything is just in the right place.