Don't break the chain

About commitment, consistency and knowing why you do something

I believe that the highest form of commitment is the one that you have towards yourself, and that only if you are able to abide by it, you will be truly able to be committed and reliable to others.

Years ago I used to write a lot. Day and night, and I published at least four times a week, with some glorious weeks when that would happen every-single-day. Ideas would come to me from every direction, about any topic. While walking, while resting, while working, listening to music, doing the dishes, at the gym. It felt like I could turn anything into words, into this collection of words that, when put together, allowed me to share with others the way I see the world.

It was wonderful.

And then one day, I don't know exactly when, it stopped, and suddenly everything went away.

It was like I ran out of ink.

For years I tried in many ways, shapes and forms. Getting back to my old blogs, thinking of trying new ones, it all ended the same way. It all just stopped. It felt hard. It's like I couldn't find my way around it. I would start, but I didn't know how to end. And it would take me so long.

I kept trying, but eventually I stopped.

I never let it go, though. In my mind, the desire was always there. The craving for it would always resurface when touching the keyboard of my laptop. And even in those moments when words seemed to come back, they never made it out into the world.

Then, one day, months back, after various other attempts that faced the same destiny as previous ones, something popped. Something happened. It has continued to happen, and I have committed to making it happen ever since.

A few months back, I started "doing it" again. Right here. I decided that I was going to make it happen again. Every Wednesday, I was going to click the publish button. No matter what. I was not breaking the chain.

Many years ago, I heard Jerry Seinfeld say to another comedian who asked him how he does it. Jerry's answer was that he wrote jokes every day, and this other guy should do the same. "You have to build a chain, and your job is to never break the chain". That has stayed with me over the years.

This is my chain. And I will protect it at all costs.

Late writing, blocked writing, days that feel so fucking hard. Days that I don't have a clue what to say. Days when it wasn't until midnight that I could sit down to write. Or the days that I fall asleep on the couch feeding my son just to wake up at 3am to realise, as I open my eyes, that I still have this to do. All of that, and all that I have not said and all of it that is yet to come.

Because once it has been gone for so long and I finally have it back, I don't want it to ever go away again.

Because I know that failing it once will be the beginning of the downfall.

Because I know that "it will only be this one", "I'll do it next week", "I'm too tired" are regret in disguise.

Because I know that feeling of regret and disappointment afterwards.

Because I fucking love it, and I don't want to let it go again.

Because it compounds, and I know that it will build up into something else.

But most importantly, because I know I can. I can, and I will show up and do it, knowing that there is no one watching, knowing that there is no one waiting for an outcome but me.

That is the commitment. What I've learned about it is that it only works when you know why you are doing something. And here's the thing: I used to think it was the writing, the action. The reality is that I just love putting things out into the world, and my commitment is towards protecting that.